Les Mizzicals
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: Formerly a one-shot, now a new series of one-shots starring Les Amis in your favorite Broadway songs! Now featuring "I'm Alive" from 'next to normal' :D R&R!
1. The Book Report

A/N: So today I was sitting in math today and I was really bored after we took a quiz. My friend Brandon, who is Pig Pen in our school production of "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown," and I were singing "The Book Report" from the aforementioned musical. I came home and first I thought, "OMFGBBQ LES AMIS FIC TIME!!" and then I thought, "I need a life…"

But we'll go with the first one for now.

And "Peter Rabbit" was not written in 1832, so I'm using "Candide," which is, like, the bestest book evah… next to the Brick of course. :) And I read it in one sitting (well, it was on a plane ride… but it still counts…)

DISCLAIMER: Teh Hugo owns teh Miz and Teh Voltaire owns teh Candide. And teh Clark Gesner and Andrew Lippa and John Gordon and Charles Schultz- owns teh "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."

(Enjy - Lucy, 'Ferre - Schroeder, Marius - Linus, Joly - Charlie Brown, Gavroche - Snoopy, and, what the hell, Grantaire - Sally) (well, who were you expecting -- Azelma?)

* * *

Enjolras placed a sheet of paper on his desk and took out a pen:

_A book report on Candide, Candide, Candide, Can-_

* * *

"Tell me why I'm doing this again?" Combeferre asked Courfeyrac, the latter casually lounging on his bed.

"'cause med students don't do anything useful anymore, obvi," he smirked.

"_Excuse you! _You try poking cadavers all day and then we'll—" 'Ferre started.

"Just do it. I win. Imma go nap now, mmk?" Courfeyrac sighed.

Combeferre went to the desk and took out a pen and a piece of paper:

_A book report on Candide, Candide, Can-_

* * *

Marius figured that Courfeyrac was doing something important back at the apartment they shared, so he went to the Paris Library in the Latin Quarter and began working:

_A book report on Candide, Candide, Can-_

* * *

"You should stop listening to Courfeyrac and his wild ideas," Joly scolded Feuilly.

Feuilly began working on a fan, "But I actually have a reason. I have to make ten fans by tomorrow morning."

"Ohhhh that takes sooooooo long," Joly said sarcastically.

"C'mon, Jol, I owe ya one."

"But I have so much other work to do. And before Courfeyrac tricked him into his stupid book report, Combeferre and I were going to go to the hospital and—"

"Excuses, excuses. Get started," Feuilly ordered, and began to fold more paper.

Joly frowned and snatched a piece of paper from off the floor and pulled a pen out of his pocket:

_A book report on Candide, Candide, Can-_  
_-Dide._.

* * *

Enjolras wrote and said in unison:

_Candide is this stupid book about this stupid fop who travels around the world  
looking for his girlfriend._

He stopped and counted the words, "_ 1, 2, 3… hmm… 82 to go._"

* * *

Combeferre glared evilly at a relaxing Courfeyrac and went back to the latter's book report. He also wrote and said in unison, "_The name of the book about which this book report is about is Candide, which is about this dumb guy."  
"I found it very-"_ He looked to Courfeyrac for insight. He shrugged._  
"I liked the part where-"_ He looked at his friend again. Another shrug._  
"It was a-" _Courfeyrac said he read the first two pages.

"You are so lucky I had to read this in high school."

Courfeyrac grinned, "I was supposed to do that to!"

Combeferre smiled, "You know I'm so going to screw up this report, right?"

Courfeyrac sat up straight, "WHAT? 'Ferre, don't! … Ah, pooh."_  
_

Combeferre went back to writing:_  
It reminded me of "Robin Hood!"  
And the part where Little John jumped from the rock to the Sheriff of Nottingham's back. And then Robin and everyone swung from the trees in a sudden surprise attack. And they captured the sheriff and all of his goods and they carried him back to their camp in the woods and the sheriff was guest at their dinner and all, but he wriggled away and he sounded the call. And his men rushed in and the arrows flew- Candide did sort of that kind of thing too…_

* * *

Enjolras thought smart again, "_His friend on the boat was named Martin."_

_19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 – OHH!_

* * *

Marius was still wondering why he would have to write a book report on "Candide" in order to make it in law school, but he was not one to question anyone's authority. I mean, he was in a frikkin student revolution, right? He started to use fancy lawyer talk:

_In examining a book such as Candide, it is important that the superficial characteristics of its deceptively simple plot should not be allowed to blind the reader to the more substantial fabric of its deeper motivations. In this report I plan to discuss the sociological implications of family pressures so great as to drive an otherwise moral man to perform acts of thievery which he consciously knew were  
against the law. I also hope to explore the personality of Dr. Pangloss in his conflicting roles as philosopher and adventurer. Candide is established from the start as a benevolent hero and it is only..._

* * *

Joly had barely written one word on the paper when he turned to Feuilly and lamented:

_If I start writing now when I'm not really rested, it could upset my thinking, which is no good at all. I'll get a fresh start tomorrow and it's not due till Wednesday, so you'll have all of Tuesday, unless something should happen. Why does this always happen? I should be with Combeferre, at the hospital. I work best under pressure, and there'll be lots of pressure if I wait till tomorrow. I should start writing now, but I if I start writing now, when I'm not really rested, it could upset my thinking, which is no good at all…_

* * *

Enjolras smiled to himself as he wrote down:

_Candide was very naïve._

"_27, 28, 29, 30 – YES!" _he counted cheerfully.

* * *

Combeferre continued writing:

_Down came the staff on his head- smash! And Robin fell like a sack full of lead- crash! The sheriff laughed and he left him for dead- ah! But he was wrong—_

* * *

"_35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40_!" Enjolras grinned.

* * *

Combeferre prolonged:

_Just then an arrow flew in- whing! It was a sign for the fight to begin- zing! And then it looked like the sheriff would win- ah! But not for long. Away they ran.  
Just like Candide. Who ran a lot As you can tell. From the story Of Candide. Which this report. Is about._

* * *

"_Candide, Candide, chasing Candide!"_ Gavroche and Grantaire sang out of nowhere.

* * *

Joly continued whining to Feuilly:

_How do they expect us to write a book report of any quality in just two days? How can they conspire to make life so _misérables_, and so effectively in so many ways…?_

* * *

Enjolras only had 45 words. He wrote down more:

_There were many people who Candide met in his story._auto da fé_,_ _and the Bulgarian soldiers and Cunegonde's brother, and the people in Eldorado, and Cacambo, James the Anabaptist, the Jew, and the Inquisitioner, and Pococurante, Paquette and Brother Giroflée …_

Such as Dr. Pangloss and Cunegonde and Martin and the Old Woman and Baron Thunder-ten-tronck and Baroness Thunder-ten-tronck and the people getting hanged at the

Enjolras looked at all the characters he had written, "Dang! How did I know all that?"

* * *

Marius was still writing: _Not to mention the extreme pressure exerted on him by his deeply rooted friendship with Dr. Pangloss, Cunegonde, and the Old Woman!_

* * *

"_Candide, Candide, chasing Candide!"_ Grantaire and Gavroche had yet to find the reason why they were still singing.

* * *

Joly was nervously sweating, "_If I start writing now, when I'm not really rested, it could upset my thinking, which is not good at all. Not good at all. Oh_, "he looked at Feuilly, "_First thing after dinner I'll start_."

* * *

Combeferre fired his pen across the paper:

_The name of the book about which this book report is about is Candide. Candide, All for one, ev'ry man does his part. Oh._

* * *

Marius wrote furiously:

_What drove an otherwise moral man to perform acts of thievery? Thievery! Sociological implications, fam'ly pressure. Simple plot__

* * *

_Enjolras couldn't take it anymore:

_Candide is this stupid book about this stupid fop who sails the world searching for his girlfriend. Girlfriend. Girlfriend._

He counted again, "_75, 76 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82…"_

* * *

Gavroche and Azelma sang in the streets of Paris:

_Candide. Chasing Candide. Chasing Candide. Chasing Candide. Chasing! Chasing! Candide, Candide. Chasing Candide. Find Cunegonde! Do or die!__

* * *

_Enjolras would not write another word. He so fed up with this stupid book.

_And they were very, very, very, very, happy to make their garden grow._

* * *

_The End. _Combeferre wrote.

* * *

_94, 95._ _The very, very, very end._ Enjolras finished.

* * *

"_Amen!" _Marius shouted when he was done.

* * *

_A book report on Candide. Just start writing. You can do it. Nothing to it. Got to start-  
Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide!__

* * *

_Combeferre explained what he wrote to the now-alert Courfeyrac:

_Candide was a lot like Robin Hood. Candide was a lot like Robin Hood  
Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide!_

* * *

Marius read his book report to his darling Cosette in the _Jardin du Luxeumbourg_:

_Sociological implications joined with familial condemnations…  
Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide!_

* * *

Enjolras began to write a pamphlet to give out on campus and at a rally:

_Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire. Monsieur Voltaire.  
Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide!__

* * *

_Gavroche and Grantaire hounded Éponine:

_Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! Candide! _

"Guys, go away. Go home. Gav, go back to your 'son' things," Éponine demanded.

"I like my sons, don't be hatin!" Gavroche ran away crying and Grantaire still kept repeating 'Candide!' without him.

* * *

Feuilly finished his ninth fan and turned to Joly, "So what are you trying to tell me?"

The med student held up the paper and pen to the Polish man's face, "_I haven't even started yet!_"

* * *

"_Candide!" _shouted Enjolras, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Marius, Cosette, Grantaire, Gavroche, Éponine, and Joly.

* * *

REVIEW. NOW. I WILL WRITE MORE PARODIES IF YOU DO!  
SO REVIEW. NOW.


	2. The Creation of Man

A/N: So I really wanted to update this fic, and, since I'm not doing anything until 3:30 today, I guess I will!  
Disclaimer: I do not take any owner ship of the Scarlet Pimpernel or Les Mis for the time being… :D  
**Song: **"The Creation of Man" from The Scarlet Pimpernel

* * *

Enjolras entered Le Café Musain just as he would any other night…

Except this one would be quite different…

Jean Prouvaire noticed him first today, "Enj, you've worn that vest for at least three days now! Why don't you wash it and get a new one?"

"I don't need a new one," Enjolras said as he sat down, mentally preparing himself for another lesson from the dean of the Jean Prouvaire School of Fashion.

"You need more colors, dear, just wearing red all the time does nothing for your complexion!" Jehan scolded, "_Peacocks!_"

Enjolras glared at him and sighed, "_Sink me!_"

Jehan mockingly bowed to him, "_Thank ye, Sir! How those feathered boys love to flaunt their tails!"_

Feuilly grinned, "_Stallions!"_

Combeferre gasped, "_Zounds, Sir_!"

Jehan smiled, at leaned in Enjolras's face, "_Hounds, Sir! Stags! Of the goosie and the gander, Sir, who's gender is the grander, Sir? To render total candor, Sir, the splendor is the male's!"_

Enjolras looked back at him, agog and aghast, "_What? Man's duty is to wield the sword, defend the cave!"_

It was now Jehan's turn to be agog and aghast, "_Gad, no, Enjolras, a male's duty is to uphold the banner of beauty! And you, as our Fearless Leader, must lead the way! Be an example to your sex; give your boot a dapper strap—"_

Courfeyrac laughed, "_And it's smarter if your garter has some snap._"

Jehan waved his pink tie in his Fearless Leader's face, "_Cravats should be flounced about our necks!" _

Enjolras waved his cravat back in Jehan's face, "I have one of those! See? It's black!"

Jehan tut-tutted Enjolras's excuse, "That cravat must be _at least_over a year old, Enj! You have to get up to the fashion and get one like mine!"

Lesgles, wanted to be included, said, "_Let the royal coattails flap!_"

Enjolras glared at The Eagle of Meaux, "What?!"

Feuilly came over behind him, "_Be bewitching with some stitching on your cap!"_

Grantaire, not really knowing what was going on, lazily added, "_Now drape your cape and puff your cuff, embroider those lapels!_"

"No one asked you, Winecask," Enjolras growled between clenched teeth.

Jehan nodded approvingly and helped Enjolras out of his chair, "_Be the king of the beasts in pastels!_"

Courfeyrac went over to Jehan and placed Enjolras in a triumphant stance, "_La, but someone has to strike a pose, and bear the weight of well-tailored clothes! And that is why the Lord created men!_"

Enjolras wriggled free of Jehan and Courfeyrac and gave his infamous death glare, "_You're a nincompoop, Prouvaire._"

The aforementioned mockingly bowed again, "_Why thank you, sir!_"

Enjolras shook his head, "_Always said you were, always said leave the fancy dress to the women! Let me be a Roman, don a tunic. Bare the legs, a-what?"_

"_Sink me! The man's lost his senses! Bare legs!_" Jehan gasped, "_Strut, Sir!_"

Enjolras was not expecting this, "_What sir?_"

"_Roosters do. Give a cock his comb and the hens will pale. Bucks! Bulls!_"

Joly giggled, "_More Sir!_"

"_Boars, Sir! Rams!_" Jehan agreed, "_Of the nanny-goat and billy, Sir, whose beard is fully wooly sir? It's bully for the billy for he's willy-nilly male!_"

Enjolras, for once, couldn't disagree with Jehan's logic, "_Well the male animal is dashing of course: robins' redbreast, moose with antlers..._"

Jehan put his hand on Enjolras's shoulder, "_Sir, Be a lion-hearted prig!_"

"_Fill those pantaloons with light!_" Combeferre shouted. (**a/n**: that's my favorite line in the whole song :D)

"'Ferre!" Enjolras whined.

"Sorry," the philosopher shrugged, "You know it was bound to happen."

Shaking his head, he turned back to Jehan, "_I could dangle down a spangle—out of sight._"

"_Oh yes, be bold Sir!_" Jehan quickly nodded.

"_When it's cold slap on that wig,_" Bahorel said.

"No! He doesn't need a wig! His hair is gorgeous! Like mine!" Lesgles argued.

"You're bald, Bossuet," Joly unnecessarily reminded him.

At this remark, Lesgles proceeded to cry and run away.

Oblivious to that scene, Grantaire unknowingly brought order back, "_Draw your breeches in quite tight!_" He nudged Enjolras in the elbow, causing the Fearless Leader to sigh angrily.

"Yes, R! _Even more so and your torso will ignite!_" Jehan said, flailing his arms.

"_Now smock your frock,_" Courfeyrac added.

"_Perfume your plume_!" Joly grinned.

"What?" Enjolras looked at the hypochondriac, "_I'll let my waistcoat swing._"

Courfeyrac and Jehan bowed in unison for the 40th time that day, "_And the jungle will bow to its king! La but someone has to strike a pose and bear the weight of well-tailored clothes—"_

"_And that is why the Lord created men,_right?" Enjolras shouted.

"Yup, that's right," Jehan smiled.

"_Now, strange, there's nothing about it in the book of Genesis..._" Enjolras thought aloud.

"_Genesis?! Ah, but think sir!_" Jehan explained,_ "Adam was a gentleman in Eden. Though his body was admired, you would grant the adding of a fig leaf was inspired—_"

"_Oh, a fig leaf did just the job..._" Enjolras sarcastically reasoned.

"_If you're out to make a splash, Cheri, do know your haberdashery!_" Jehan stood on a table, taking Enjolras with him.

"_Buttons, buckles, ruffles, and lace!_" Courfeyrac and Bahorel threw napkins at Enjolras.

"_Represent the human race!_" Jehan placed a napkin on Enjolras's head.

"_LA….BUT…. someone has to strike a pose and bear the weight of well-tailored clothes! Each species needs a sex that's fated to be highly decorated!  
That is why the Lord created... MEN!_" Les Amis minus Enjolras cried.

Just then the door opened. Of course, it was none other than that filthy Bonapartist Marius Pontmercy. He set his books down on a nearby table, totally unaware of all the Les Amis crowding around Jean Prouvaire and Enjolras on a napkin-covered table.

"Hey, guys! Did I miss anything?" Marius asked.

Every single member of Les Amis stared at him, and shook their head.


	3. I'm Alive

A/N: Daaaaang, I haven't updated in a while! So, school is out, and, um, now I am? Huzzah!  
I'm sorry... this is kinda crappy... Please tell me otherwise and make me happy!  
And I have a couple of ideas for songs that I'm going to write soon, so expect another one shortly! :D  
I really don't know why I put Enj's name in quotes... You tell me! heh heh... :D

PS: I take requests! Give me da song and I'll try to write it, yo.

**Song: **"I'm Alive" from the TONY AWARD WINNING MUSICAL OF AWESOMENESS _next to normal_

ZEE DISCLAIMER: I don't own 'Les Mis' or 'next to normal,' thus I am sad. D:

* * *

"Marius? Marius?" Cosette said as she shook her new husband awake.

"Wha... huh?" Marius sat up, dazed and confused.

"Darling, you haven't been outside for three days! You need to get some fresh air, poodle," Cosette suggested.

"Meh... 'kay..." Marius sighed as he swung his legs out of bed and got dressed. He left the house and decided to go to the Café Musain because he was feeling nostalgic.

He sat down in the old room where the meetings used to take place. Marius realized he hadn't been to the Musain since all his friends died.

Suddenly, a familiar figure in a red vest appeared in the corner.

"...Enjolras...?" Marius stood up quickly, knocking over his chair.

The figure turned towards him, and said, _"I am what you want me to be. And I'm your worst fear, you'll find it in me. Come closer... come closer."_

"Enj! It's me, your old pal Marius! Don't you remember me?"

The figure smiled, _"I am more than memory, I am what might be, I am mystery. You know me, so show me..."_

Marius slowly walked backwards away because he's a scared little pansy.

"Enjolras" was instantly behind M. le Pansy, and put his arm on the aforementioned's shoulder, "_When I appear it's not so clear if I'm a single spirit or I'm flesh and blood..._"

Marius felt faint, and sat in a chair that he didn't knock over.

"Enjolras" grinned, "But, Marius, _I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive! And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes. And I need you to need me, it's no surprise. I'm alive, so alive! I'm alive!"_

Marius held his head in his hand, "But, Enj, wait... I totally thought I saw you die at the barricades... Because I saw you--"

"Enjolras" sat in a chair next to normal Marius (haha) and shouted in his face, "_I am flame and I am fire! I am destruction, decay, and desire. I'll curve you..._"

"What?"

"_I'll heal you..."_

"Enj, what're you talking about? I want to talk to you! About how much I've missed you and the other guys and--"

"_I'm your wish your dream come true, and I am your darkest nightmare, too. I've shown you... I own you...ˆ"_

"You own me?"

"Enjolras" creeped around the table in a creepy fashion, "_And though you made me, you can't change me._"

"Okay, this is weird. What are you doing? I don't even feel like I know you anymore..."

"That's because _I'm the perfect stranger who knows you too well._"

"Say what? I'm still getting over the fact that you're not dead!" Marius cried.

"_I'm alive! I'm alive! I am so alive!_"

"Tell me what's going on here."

"Enjolras" sighed, "_And I'll tell you the truth, if you let me try. You're alive! I'm alive! And I'll show you why I'm alive. So alive!"_ He then disappeared into a corner.

Marius stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. "Okay, now where did he go...?" he breathed.

"_I'm alive! I'm right behind you! You say forget, but I remind you! You can try to hide, but you know that I will find you. 'Cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind!"_

"That's enough, Enjolras! I'm leaving. I came here to reminisce and, by golly, you just won't let me do that! Goodbye, mon ami! I saw you die at the barricades."

"Enjolras" stamped his feet and grabbed Marius, "_No, no, no! I'm alive! I'm alive! I am so alive! If you climb on my back, then we both can fly. If you try to deny me, I'll never die! I'm alive. So alive._"

"No, you're not!"

"_I'm alive! Yeah! Yeah! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive...!"_

Marius turned back to look at his fallen friend before he triumphantly shouted back at him, "_I'm alive!_"


End file.
